I answer Asks privately, unless they’re anonymous — answers to those have to be published. I only answer an Ask if I have a helpful response. In many cases, I’ll refer you to my table of contents:
Online BDSM Dating Tips
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. It should be easier to find kinky dating prospects online than in vanilla social settings, but there are tons of fakes & nuts on kink sites. These online BDSM dating tips will help you cope. Excerpt:
Set mail filters, if available.
Delete your picture, or post a non-provocative one.
Be descriptive in your profile text.
Seem savvy, even if you’re not.
Request a message keyword.
Browse your competition.
Immediately block anyone who’s rude, without responding.
Read profiles and reach out.
Use an anonymous account for email correspondence.
Don’t video call until you’ve met in person.
Be inquisitive and skeptical.
Let a prospect earn your trust over time.
Be very patient!
Reblogs appreciated! To include the full post, select “reblog as… text” from the [Aa] menu.
Q:Hello!! I am a sub and I have a dom. We've been together for awhile (7monts) and were really comfortable with each other. The only issue that has come up for me has to do with aftercare. So! My questions are how can I ask for it? What happens if you need it, but you can't stay? --is there anything you can do for yourself or that he can do over text or call? Thank you! :)
You can just say very sweetly that, like most subs, you need cuddling and low-key time with your partner after a scene to get back into your normal headspace. Your dom should always allow time for this phase before he has to jet.
If he often has to run due to an emergency (e.g. he’s a firefighter), you could work out a routine to go thru on your own (e.g. make tea, nibble a snack, take a shower, and then nap), and check in with him by phone/text on the progress of that process.
Q:So, I have been reading your blog post and truly enjoyed them. The question I have is how would one know for sure if this was a side of yourself to explore? That sounds so silly but I am 45 and in the last 5 yrs have been reading excessive amounts of erotica and my favorites are with the BDSM background. I believe myself to be submissive and enjoy the D/s dynamic in my books. But I am married & have been for 23 yrs now and my husband is not interested in such things nor is he dominant.
I discuss the problem of discovering that you’re kinky after marriage towards the end of the article Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People. Basically, you need to either find ways to insert some kink into sex with your spouse, or consider looking outside the marriage.
Q:My dom recently forced me to have sex With him.. I didn't say anything to stop him cause I felt bad and wanted to please him but I deeply regret cause he wasn't that gentle and it was my first time.. Should I say something to him? He may punish me if I say something he dislikes..
I hear your regret and dilemma about how to deal with it; my condolences! Healthy D/s is based on open communication, and genuine care about how your partner feels. Your message raises several red flags about this relationship: 1) he forced you to do something you couldn’t enjoy or embrace, 2) you didn’t feel able to tell him how you felt in the moment, 3) he didn’t see or respond to your distress during the sex, and 4) you expect to be punished for telling him how you feel now.
You should not submit to someone unless you feel deeply cared for by that person, in all circumstances, sexual and not.
My blog is now #10 in a Google search for “bdsm blogs”.
Thanks to all for sharing my links!
Q:I've recently grown an interest in the whole D/S and I want my boyfriend to control me more.. I call him daddy and sir sometimes and a few days ago he was holding onto my head and pushing me when I was pleasing him. But I want him to command me to do things for him. I've even tried sending him pics of me with a belt pulled tightly around my neck. Idk what to do.. Any advice?
You need to introduce him to the concept of loving D/s, assuming he’s not already aware of it. For that, I suggest BDSM blogs, kinky porn sites, Fetlife, and nonfiction books (Different Loving stands out among kink titles). I had a long standing interest in binding a lover, but might not have taken it past that if I hadn’t discovered lifestyle D/s blogs and kinky porn.
The table of contents for my blog: BDSM: Things You Need to Know
Why Safewords Are Not Safe
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. For a variety of common reasons, safewords are not very safe. Excerpt:
[The safeword method of stopping BDSM play] is prone to failure in many cases. Unless the top and bottom are both experienced in the sort of activity they’re attempting, and have actually used that safeword before, they’re facing a potentially stressful situation without [proper preparation].
Here are some reasons why safewords fail:
The bottom can’t form words.
The bottom can’t remember the safeword.
The bottom doesn’t want to displease her top.
The bottom doesn’t know she’s in trouble.
The top doesn’t recognize the safeword.
The top is in a groove at that moment.
So what to do? Don’t specify a safeword. Agree that any request to help or halt is the signal to stop:
No. Wait. Help. Stop. Hold on. Let me go. Cut it out. I can’t take this.
Note that a designated safeword is essential if you play verbal games during a scene, where the bottom gets to say, “No! Stop!” and the top gets to keep right on going.
As the top, it’s my responsibility to be aware of my partner’s state, regardless of what she says or doesn’t say. If it’s not clear to me, I’ve got to find out immediately. Even if I think I know, I’ll pause from time to time and check in with her.
Reblogs appreciated! To include the full post, select “reblog as… text” from the editor menu.
A reader wrote to protest my article on training for subs and doms:
Just looked at your blog and felt compelled to drop you a line. After reading your entry on sub training I had to laugh. While it did contain some very reliable and solid insights and advice, e.g. asking the so-called dom tons of Q’s, the notion that subs don’t need training is simply ludicrous! … So, all the women raised in the US culture and that manifest the vanilla princess syndrome just magically and instantaneously morph into perfect subs or slaves?!
So you know, the perspectives I publish are derived from one-on-one conversations with a couple hundred kinky people over the course of seven years. That’s not a sample that would be useful for making scientific claims, but it’s a larger collection of anecdotal evidence than one could accumulate from direct experience (see Who Is Will and Why Is He an Expert).
I admittedly have spoken with very few if any “vanilla princesses”. Almost all the submissive women I’ve encountered either discovered their appetites for kink in childhood (many before adolescence) or had them awakened by first contact with a kinky partner. I’d agree that western culture steers an individual away from dominant or submissive tendencies (it certainly did me; see Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self) but my perspective is that surfacing those needs only requires a caring partner with compatible persuasions.
I’ve written that D/s capacity is not something that can be taught (see Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People). I do think that many vanilla folks can enjoy some nominally kinky activity — bondage, spanking, etc; but having a strong, ongoing need to please/guide a partner is, from everything I’ve heard, innate. Note that I do point out in the article you take issue with that doms do indeed teach subs many things, and that subs need to have or learn essential emotional and interpersonal skills (which are sadly not very common).
To date, and I’ve been writing BDSM: Things You Need to Know for almost a year, I’ve not received one prior response to my articles in this vein. But I welcome counterpoint, and if you’d like to post your critique in a comment on Subs Don’t Need “Training” but Doms Do, I’d be happy to respond there as well.
(The writer declined to take me up on that offer.)
Reblogs appreciated! To include the full text, select “Reblog as… text” from the gear menu.
If you’re new to my blog, see the table of contents:
Decisions in D/s Relationships
A reader asks:
Hi, I am new to D/s relationships and I am actually very confused. In relationships I hate it when my partner asks me to make decisions regarding things to do both sexually and outside the bedroom, it makes me extremely uncomfortable and i find it very much a turnoff to be placed in any role of leadership within the relationship. I am not brainless, I just find it very stressful to be placed in that position. Is this acceptable sub behavior, or am I just being lazy in my relationships?
You raise an interesting question!
There are two broad categories of D/s: 1) bedroom-only, where dom/sub roles are confined to sexual activity, and 2) lifestyle, where the dom’s authority extends beyond sex/kink—how far beyond is up to each pair. No matter how authoritative a bedroom-only dom appears during sex, he may not want the burden of authority during the rest of their time together; he might even be very laid back outside a sexual context. For further discussion, see the article BDSM Relationship Variations.
It’s my feeling that a submissive partner should be willing to be called on (or even volunteer) to offer input or take initiative in any situation where she has expertise. Any relationship needs to harness the talents and experience of both partners to be successful!
In other situations where a sub’s insight isn’t that keen, a lifestyle dom will usually choose a direction. However, note that doms can’t have strong opinions about everything, and we can feel “decision fatigue”. At times we’d rather not have to consider all options and select the best one. In those moments, a sub can be of service by suggesting a choice she thinks he might prefer, or even playfully propose one that she knows he’d despise.
Finally, note that some doms prefer the role of “service top”, meaning he’s happy to do the tying and whacking, but his motivation is primarily satisfying his partner, versus controlling her experience. A service top is best matched with a bottom who has strong ideas about what she wants during sex.
What to Look For in a Dom/Master
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. A discussion of important, and irrelevant, characteristics of a dom or master. Excerpt:
The skill set required of a dom in a lifestyle D/s relationship is rather different than that for a top in an S&M scene, although there’s overlap. Most of these traits are straight out of the best-practices manual for vanilla relationships!
Honesty and transparency.
Has tried kink and craves more.
Compatible life patterns and goals.
Vision and clarity.
Dedication to self-development.
Curiosity and fascination.
Intuition and empathy.
Humility and confidence.
Sets limits and pushes limits.
Patience and flexibility.
Appreciation and encouragement.
Knowledge of the body.
Cares for himself.
Need for control.
Social and workplace dominance.
Reblogs appreciated! To include the full post, select “reblog as… text” from the editor menu.
Q:So I have been trying to get my boyfriend into Dom-ing me and he is all for it... but he doesn't quite know how. He wants me to tell him how to be my Dom and I'm not sure how to articulate it to him. Help?
It’s up to him to learn what all turns him on, and then try those things with you. You can encourage him and suggest resources, but he has to be motivated to educate himself.
For resources, I suggest BDSM blogs, porn sites, Fetlife, and nonfiction books (Different Loving stands out among kink titles). I had a long standing interest in binding a lover, but might not have taken it past that if I hadn’t discovered lifestyle D/s blogs and kinky porn.
There’s also your local BDSM community, but personally, I wouldn’t suggest BDSM events, at least not early on. In my experience, the “scene” turns off more people than it turns on.
My blog is now #15 in a Google search for “bdsm blog”!
On submissive partners and the need for SM play
Last week was a perfect example. I was on two deadlines, busy as hell, and I asked girl to do two things. Just two. She failed to do both. I don’t blame her; she’s submissive. She doesn’t respond to demands. She responds to rules and consequences. Boundaries and support. Control and protection. Asking girl to do something when there is no perceived consequence gives her no thrill of success, no satisfaction of having done the right thing. In other words, demands are empty.
“I set bedtimes for your own good,” I said. “Don’t pretend I’m a tyrant. Now come here.” Her groan became a whine. It’s part of her brattiness—and I tolerate it. Some Dominants don’t, but I do. When girl is bratty or resistant, it’s simply an acknowledgement of my authority. She’s saying, “I don’t like this, but I’m submitting to it.” Frankly, it gets me kind of hot.
I took her over my knee, pinned her hands at the small of her back, hiked up her boy shorts, and spanked her ass once for every minute she was up past her bedtime. As I always do, I made her ask for the last two spanks. It’s my way of reminding her that she is complicit in her spanking. That, even though it’s unpleasant, it’s something she wants.
Italics added to highlight two things:
First, submissive partners do commonly respond to demands from their lovers. Perhaps domwithpen’s girl desires stated consequences along with stated directives, but many subs do not; they eagerly work to be of service whenever they can out of a love for serving.
Next, I believe this pair needs regular SM play in their relationship. In order to make it happen, they are performing this dance. She becomes disobedient eventually, knowing he will finally impose his authority via a spanking. They’re both into the spanking for it’s own sake; it’s bonding and arousing. For love’s sake, you two, embrace your mutual desire for kinky sex, and see where it takes you!
I wager it will make her more responsive to his impromptu demands ;-)