Q:Hi, recently i started a D/s relationship he is much older than me which I like but I am a virgin. We were texting each other and he told me to penetrate myself with a toy (or anything similar) we started a video call and yes I penetrated myself, I really wanted to please him so I kept on going and I think I burst my hymen, I was scared and confused; I got freaked out and apparently so did he, he said he couldn't continue but now he wrote again and I don't know how to handle it. Help!
Have you met this dom face-to-face? I don’t recommend participating in D/s activities by phone, video, etc unless the partners have established a real-life relationship. In the event something unexpected happens and you need support, you can go see a real-life partner to share affection and smiles.
As for his reaction to your distress, a dom needs to be able to keep his cool when a BDSM scenario goes off track. BDSM partners are playing with fire; on occasion, someone gets burned. Both partners need to be there for each other if that happens. Someone who backs out when he’s most needed is not the kind of partner you can trust.
My blog is now #5 in a Google search for “bdsm blogs”.
Thanks to all for sharing my links!
Q:I like a guy who wants a submissive girl. How do I flirt with him submissively and stuff? Any tips would be much appreciated:3 thanks c:
Just be yourself, first and foremost! Also be attentive; try not to drop into psychological subspace in public, as it can be distracting. (See Two Kinds of Subspace.) If you notice him offering you suggestions or directions, try to follow them if they feel right or worth trying. You could also ask if there’s anything you could do for him. If you’re not able/willing to follow a suggestion or request, explain why and ask if he could propose an alternative. And try asking him questions about himself and his romantic interests/philosophy… Good luck!
To fans of BDSM: Things You Need to Know, feel free to
Q:My submissive tries to pull away from the D/s part in our relationship more and more. She'll try to stay as far as possible from the BDSM part in our relationship Which is strange since she suggested we bring this into our relationship. Any advice?
Have you asked her about how she’s feeling about your relationship and your D/s interactions? Have you asked her what her reasons are for the specific things where she looks like she’s pulling away? Has she previously had troubled reactions to any of the D/s or SM activities or patterns in your relationship?
Doms and subs can’t always read each other clearly. Often times, you have to ask what’s going on for your partner, and keep asking in different ways until clarity emerges.
I answer Asks privately, unless they’re anonymous — answers to those have to be published. I only answer an Ask if I have a helpful response. In many cases, I’ll refer you to my table of contents:
Online BDSM Dating Tips
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. It should be easier to find kinky dating prospects online than in vanilla social settings, but there are tons of fakes & nuts on kink sites. These online BDSM dating tips will help you cope. Excerpt:
Set mail filters, if available.
Delete your picture, or post a non-provocative one.
Be descriptive in your profile text.
Seem savvy, even if you’re not.
Request a message keyword.
Browse your competition.
Immediately block anyone who’s rude, without responding.
Read profiles and reach out.
Use an anonymous account for email correspondence.
Don’t video call until you’ve met in person.
Be inquisitive and skeptical.
Let a prospect earn your trust over time.
Be very patient!
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Q:Hello!! I am a sub and I have a dom. We've been together for awhile (7monts) and were really comfortable with each other. The only issue that has come up for me has to do with aftercare. So! My questions are how can I ask for it? What happens if you need it, but you can't stay? --is there anything you can do for yourself or that he can do over text or call? Thank you! :)
You can just say very sweetly that, like most subs, you need cuddling and low-key time with your partner after a scene to get back into your normal headspace. Your dom should always allow time for this phase before he has to jet.
If he often has to run due to an emergency (e.g. he’s a firefighter), you could work out a routine to go thru on your own (e.g. make tea, nibble a snack, take a shower, and then nap), and check in with him by phone/text on the progress of that process.
Q:So, I have been reading your blog post and truly enjoyed them. The question I have is how would one know for sure if this was a side of yourself to explore? That sounds so silly but I am 45 and in the last 5 yrs have been reading excessive amounts of erotica and my favorites are with the BDSM background. I believe myself to be submissive and enjoy the D/s dynamic in my books. But I am married & have been for 23 yrs now and my husband is not interested in such things nor is he dominant.
I discuss the problem of discovering that you’re kinky after marriage towards the end of the article Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People. Basically, you need to either find ways to insert some kink into sex with your spouse, or consider looking outside the marriage.
Q:My dom recently forced me to have sex With him.. I didn't say anything to stop him cause I felt bad and wanted to please him but I deeply regret cause he wasn't that gentle and it was my first time.. Should I say something to him? He may punish me if I say something he dislikes..
I hear your regret and dilemma about how to deal with it; my condolences! Healthy D/s is based on open communication, and genuine care about how your partner feels. Your message raises several red flags about this relationship: 1) he forced you to do something you couldn’t enjoy or embrace, 2) you didn’t feel able to tell him how you felt in the moment, 3) he didn’t see or respond to your distress during the sex, and 4) you expect to be punished for telling him how you feel now.
You should not submit to someone unless you feel deeply cared for by that person, in all circumstances, sexual and not.
My blog is now #10 in a Google search for “bdsm blogs”.
Thanks to all for sharing my links!
Q:I've recently grown an interest in the whole D/S and I want my boyfriend to control me more.. I call him daddy and sir sometimes and a few days ago he was holding onto my head and pushing me when I was pleasing him. But I want him to command me to do things for him. I've even tried sending him pics of me with a belt pulled tightly around my neck. Idk what to do.. Any advice?
You need to introduce him to the concept of loving D/s, assuming he’s not already aware of it. For that, I suggest BDSM blogs, kinky porn sites, Fetlife, and nonfiction books (Different Loving stands out among kink titles). I had a long standing interest in binding a lover, but might not have taken it past that if I hadn’t discovered lifestyle D/s blogs and kinky porn.
The table of contents for my blog: BDSM: Things You Need to Know
Why Safewords Are Not Safe
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. For a variety of common reasons, safewords are not very safe. Excerpt:
[The safeword method of stopping BDSM play] is prone to failure in many cases. Unless the top and bottom are both experienced in the sort of activity they’re attempting, and have actually used that safeword before, they’re facing a potentially stressful situation without [proper preparation].
Here are some reasons why safewords fail:
The bottom can’t form words.
The bottom can’t remember the safeword.
The bottom doesn’t want to displease her top.
The bottom doesn’t know she’s in trouble.
The top doesn’t recognize the safeword.
The top is in a groove at that moment.
So what to do? Don’t specify a safeword. Agree that any request to help or halt is the signal to stop:
No. Wait. Help. Stop. Hold on. Let me go. Cut it out. I can’t take this.
Note that a designated safeword is essential if you play verbal games during a scene, where the bottom gets to say, “No! Stop!” and the top gets to keep right on going.
As the top, it’s my responsibility to be aware of my partner’s state, regardless of what she says or doesn’t say. If it’s not clear to me, I’ve got to find out immediately. Even if I think I know, I’ll pause from time to time and check in with her.
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A reader wrote to protest my article on training for subs and doms:
Just looked at your blog and felt compelled to drop you a line. After reading your entry on sub training I had to laugh. While it did contain some very reliable and solid insights and advice, e.g. asking the so-called dom tons of Q’s, the notion that subs don’t need training is simply ludicrous! … So, all the women raised in the US culture and that manifest the vanilla princess syndrome just magically and instantaneously morph into perfect subs or slaves?!
So you know, the perspectives I publish are derived from one-on-one conversations with a couple hundred kinky people over the course of seven years. That’s not a sample that would be useful for making scientific claims, but it’s a larger collection of anecdotal evidence than one could accumulate from direct experience (see Who Is Will and Why Is He an Expert).
I admittedly have spoken with very few if any “vanilla princesses”. Almost all the submissive women I’ve encountered either discovered their appetites for kink in childhood (many before adolescence) or had them awakened by first contact with a kinky partner. I’d agree that western culture steers an individual away from dominant or submissive tendencies (it certainly did me; see Discovering, Embracing, Revealing the Self) but my perspective is that surfacing those needs only requires a caring partner with compatible persuasions.
I’ve written that D/s capacity is not something that can be taught (see Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People). I do think that many vanilla folks can enjoy some nominally kinky activity — bondage, spanking, etc; but having a strong, ongoing need to please/guide a partner is, from everything I’ve heard, innate. Note that I do point out in the article you take issue with that doms do indeed teach subs many things, and that subs need to have or learn essential emotional and interpersonal skills (which are sadly not very common).
To date, and I’ve been writing BDSM: Things You Need to Know for almost a year, I’ve not received one prior response to my articles in this vein. But I welcome counterpoint, and if you’d like to post your critique in a comment on Subs Don’t Need “Training” but Doms Do, I’d be happy to respond there as well.
(The writer declined to take me up on that offer.)
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If you’re new to my blog, see the table of contents: