Q:a friend of mine has been hinting about his interest in submitting hardcore but I was somewhat late in catching up so acted disinterested. He texted me a week ago, out of the blue, saying that he can't think straight around me and has fantasies of going down on me and then tried to laugh it off. When we were drunk once, he confessed he likes femdom and we watched a femdom CP vid together. How do I bring this up again? As far as I know, he doesn't have any experience in submitting.
How to bring it up again… How about, “Remember that time when we were drunk and watched a femdom vid? Wanna watch another?”
Q:I've been looking into dom/sub relationships lately and yours is the first website I've found honest, to the point information. Thank you for that. It's all very useful and I feel more normal reading how to handle wanting to be a sub female but I'm still terrified of trying it out. Where I live there are no places I've seen that I would dare go on my own and no people I know of to talk to let alone explore this with but it helps reading that I'm not weird for wanting certain things.
I’d suggest you make some online friends to start out, esp other submissive women. Fetlife.com is a decent place to find folks local to you; it has regionally-focused discussion forums for most metro areas. And its profiles are publicly readable, so browsing local folks and their friends can turn up gems.
Do be aware that both sex-seeking players and men with abusive tendencies have discovered that calling themselves “dominant” attracts the interest of newbie subs, and such guys are relatively easy to find online. For tips on avoiding them, see How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect.
Q:I'm in a relationship that borders between sub and slave (though I've told them once that I am not ready to fully submit to being a slave/it would add stress to my overall life) and they had suggested we make a video. I explicitly told them I did not want it published anyway online, and it would only be for their use only, but they told me there were: "No promises." Is this a sign that I should back out? Especially after making this suggestion/asking for pictures after berating my appearance.
It sounds like you need limits with this partner and/or at this point in your life, and it’s possible that he/she doesn’t take them seriously. And if that’s the case, you should reconsider the relationship.
If humiliation is hot to you, then berating your appearance might have been intended to warm you up to the video idea. If it’s not hot, then that might be an indication of disregard for you, which would also be a red flag.
People with abusive tendencies in romance have discovered that they can call themselves “dominant” or “sadistic” and have their way with inexperienced subs. (And giving videos to an abusive partner can be terribly damaging.) It’s essential to identify such predators early on. For tips, see How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect.
Q:My girlfriend who is a sub and a kitten broke up with me a while back. I am new to BDSM and I'm not sure if I am supposed to take the collar I gave her back since I no longer own her, or is it hers now
How a D/s couple handles “the collar” in the wake of a breakup depends on what that collar means to them, and the quality of their connection after they part ways. Some pairs make a ritual of removing the collar. One partner might keep it by mutual agreement, or they might ceremonially cast it into a body of water. Unceremonious deposition into the trash is also common practice ;-)
If you would like it back, and you believe she would return it if asked, then certainly ask her for it. If you believe she’d like to keep it, and you’d like her to have it, then tell her so. Either way, be graceful and careful with your words.
Q:Hi! How do i handle the situation when my former dom gets overly curious about me and my new Dom? The last one was my first, so i'm not sure how to handle this. Me and the last dom were never really friends either, so it's weird he's suddenly so very interested. Would you say it's normal for him to be so curious, or want to compare? Am i being too suspicious and how do i handle it in a graceful way without coming off as rude? I figured maybe another dom could give some insight? :)
Perhaps your former dom is simply wistful, or lonely. It’s not strange per se to be curious about an ex’s new love, although most people look away and try to let go.
As for how to handle it, simply present a clear boundary. Let your ex know that you’re willing to discuss your past together to help you both find closure (if you are indeed up for that). And let him know that you’re not willing to discuss your new relationship. If he persists after you’ve stated that a couple times, you may have to stop responding altogether.
Q:Hi, recently i started a D/s relationship he is much older than me which I like but I am a virgin. We were texting each other and he told me to penetrate myself with a toy (or anything similar) we started a video call and yes I penetrated myself, I really wanted to please him so I kept on going and I think I burst my hymen, I was scared and confused; I got freaked out and apparently so did he, he said he couldn't continue but now he wrote again and I don't know how to handle it. Help!
Have you met this dom face-to-face? I don’t recommend participating in D/s activities by phone, video, etc unless the partners have established a real-life relationship. In the event something unexpected happens and you need support, you can go see a real-life partner to share affection and smiles.
As for his reaction to your distress, a dom needs to be able to keep his cool when a BDSM scenario goes off track. BDSM partners are playing with fire; on occasion, someone gets burned. Both partners need to be there for each other if that happens. Someone who backs out when he’s most needed is not the kind of partner you can trust.
My blog is now #5 in a Google search for “bdsm blogs”.
Thanks to all for sharing my links!
Q:I like a guy who wants a submissive girl. How do I flirt with him submissively and stuff? Any tips would be much appreciated:3 thanks c:
Just be yourself, first and foremost! Also be attentive; try not to drop into psychological subspace in public, as it can be distracting. (See Two Kinds of Subspace.) If you notice him offering you suggestions or directions, try to follow them if they feel right or worth trying. You could also ask if there’s anything you could do for him. If you’re not able/willing to follow a suggestion or request, explain why and ask if he could propose an alternative. And try asking him questions about himself and his romantic interests/philosophy… Good luck!
To fans of BDSM: Things You Need to Know, feel free to
Q:My submissive tries to pull away from the D/s part in our relationship more and more. She'll try to stay as far as possible from the BDSM part in our relationship Which is strange since she suggested we bring this into our relationship. Any advice?
Have you asked her about how she’s feeling about your relationship and your D/s interactions? Have you asked her what her reasons are for the specific things where she looks like she’s pulling away? Has she previously had troubled reactions to any of the D/s or SM activities or patterns in your relationship?
Doms and subs can’t always read each other clearly. Often times, you have to ask what’s going on for your partner, and keep asking in different ways until clarity emerges.
I answer Asks privately, unless they’re anonymous — answers to those have to be published. I only answer an Ask if I have a helpful response. In many cases, I’ll refer you to my table of contents:
Online BDSM Dating Tips
From my blog, BDSM: Things You Need to Know. It should be easier to find kinky dating prospects online than in vanilla social settings, but there are tons of fakes & nuts on kink sites. These online BDSM dating tips will help you cope. Excerpt:
Set mail filters, if available.
Delete your picture, or post a non-provocative one.
Be descriptive in your profile text.
Seem savvy, even if you’re not.
Request a message keyword.
Browse your competition.
Immediately block anyone who’s rude, without responding.
Read profiles and reach out.
Use an anonymous account for email correspondence.
Don’t video call until you’ve met in person.
Be inquisitive and skeptical.
Let a prospect earn your trust over time.
Be very patient!
Reblogs appreciated! To include the full post, select “reblog as… text” from the [Aa] menu.
Q:Hello!! I am a sub and I have a dom. We've been together for awhile (7monts) and were really comfortable with each other. The only issue that has come up for me has to do with aftercare. So! My questions are how can I ask for it? What happens if you need it, but you can't stay? --is there anything you can do for yourself or that he can do over text or call? Thank you! :)
You can just say very sweetly that, like most subs, you need cuddling and low-key time with your partner after a scene to get back into your normal headspace. Your dom should always allow time for this phase before he has to jet.
If he often has to run due to an emergency (e.g. he’s a firefighter), you could work out a routine to go thru on your own (e.g. make tea, nibble a snack, take a shower, and then nap), and check in with him by phone/text on the progress of that process.
Q:So, I have been reading your blog post and truly enjoyed them. The question I have is how would one know for sure if this was a side of yourself to explore? That sounds so silly but I am 45 and in the last 5 yrs have been reading excessive amounts of erotica and my favorites are with the BDSM background. I believe myself to be submissive and enjoy the D/s dynamic in my books. But I am married & have been for 23 yrs now and my husband is not interested in such things nor is he dominant.
I discuss the problem of discovering that you’re kinky after marriage towards the end of the article Why Doms & Subs Should Not Date Vanilla People. Basically, you need to either find ways to insert some kink into sex with your spouse, or consider looking outside the marriage.
Q:My dom recently forced me to have sex With him.. I didn't say anything to stop him cause I felt bad and wanted to please him but I deeply regret cause he wasn't that gentle and it was my first time.. Should I say something to him? He may punish me if I say something he dislikes..
I hear your regret and dilemma about how to deal with it; my condolences! Healthy D/s is based on open communication, and genuine care about how your partner feels. Your message raises several red flags about this relationship: 1) he forced you to do something you couldn’t enjoy or embrace, 2) you didn’t feel able to tell him how you felt in the moment, 3) he didn’t see or respond to your distress during the sex, and 4) you expect to be punished for telling him how you feel now.
You should not submit to someone unless you feel deeply cared for by that person, in all circumstances, sexual and not.